mother knows best

I've struggled with my weight since I was 15 years old.

As a silly teenager, I thought I knew best. Out doing what I wanted to do, smoking, drinking, staying out late, arguing with my mum all the time, sneaking out when she was in bed, travelling to places, she would never have allowed & worse, having sex. Such a young age. Something that was far too mature for my then, immature self to be doing. Now as a mum & having a child who's 4 years away from being 15, I'm terrified of the things she might get up to, having done them all myself. I can only hope she's not like I was & she'll actually take heed of the warnings I give. I was awful to my mum, always answering back, telling her no, picking fights & staying out past the time she told me to, I wouldn't listen because I knew best. I would often tell her that. "You're not the boss of me" "I can do what I want"! Stupid childish ways, that I completely regret now. She was trying to warn me of the things that could happen, but I would not listen! Too arrogant & sneaky for my own good. Quite frankly I'm surprised she still talks to me at all.

Anyway, after not long turning 15, I lost my virginity with a guy who was a year older than me, he was 16 & I thought I was in love. He showed me a miniscule amount of attention & I threw myself in to the idea of spening every waking moment with him. We spoke all the time & it really did feel special but no one could ever know about us, he would say. So stupidly, I kept my mouth shut & told no one. When my friends were talking about sex & different things, I would pretend to have all this experience, even though I never did, I had been with one person & he wasn't all that interested, he just wanted sex. Not just with me, he was doing it with lots of other girls, I didn't know this at the time, as I said, I was too immature to be doing any of this. I was in the wrong friend group & they were all visiting the sexual health clinic for condoms & contraceptives, so peer pressure took hold of me & along I went to the clinic.

I spoke to one of the nurses & she decided my best course of action, was to get the implant in my arm, to stop me getting pregnant. Feeling a bit scared & hoping to explore other options, I didn't get it straight away, I went home to think about it & I even spoke to my mum. She tried to talk me out of it, telling me all of the horror stories she could think of, to scare me out of getting it done. Again, I did not listen & the following week, I made an appointment to go & get the implant in, with one of my "friends".

Now, for your information, I was a size 8-10 at this age & I was always running around, out with friends, taking part in PE & just always active. But sometimes we make bad choices.

She went first & it looked like an easy procedure, so there I laid on the medical bed & allowed this nurse to implant this little rod, that would later disrupt my hormones & make my life a misery. I walked out of the room with my head held high, thinking I was the bee's knee's, at school the next day, I was showing people I had gotten it done. I even told the guy I had slept with about it & he rolled his eyes at me, not the reaction I expected from someone whose sticking it in everything with a heartbeat, but there we are. When my Dad saw the bruising on my arm from the needle, i was honest with him but he was so angry, the fresh cup of coffee I had just made him, was thrown in to the sink, splashing everywhere, all up the kitchen walls, leaving some droplets on the ceiling. I was in tears, he didn't give me a chance to explain... not that I actually had a good explanation for doing it but I didn't understand why he was so angry. Would he rather I fell pregnant? I thought I was doing what was best. He made some phone calls to a lawyer & called the clinic, threatening to sue as they didn't have an adults permission to do this procedure & he was told it was ultimately my choice. Which, looking back now, is severly stupid, to allow a child to mess around with their hormones. You need a parents consent to go on a school trip at that age & to get a piercing, but not to inject something in to your body, that can completely change your life. It seems a bit backwards to me. It's definitely something that needs looking at. That's my opinion anyway.

The inevitable happened, I was now known as a slut. Suddenly all of these rumours went around my school about me & how many people I had slept with... even though it was one! Everyone assumed it had to be more, because "why else would she need contraception?" The rumours got worse & worse & quickly I was defending myself outside the school. It got to a point, I wouldn't leave the school until after everyone else had left, to relieve me from the ridicule & eventually I stopped going to certain classes, sneaking away from the school & wandering around the woods, until I could go back for my next class. My mum & dad both found out about this & I was questioned. I remember crying & pleading with them to let me stay off school, even home school would have been better than that hell! But they couldn't, & so I had to go back.

It was about 2 months in, I started noticing my clothes weren't fitting quite right anymore. They felt tight & I was struggling more with buttons & zips on jeans, fleeces & shirts. I had to wear leggings & t shirts, but even they were starting to get tight. I was putting weight on at an exceptional rate. This only added to my issues, I was now a "fat slut" & people were even more cruel, asking why anyone would go near me & how I don't even need the contraception anymore, as no one would want me. At 3 months in, I had gone from a size 8-10 to a size 18-20 & I was miserable, I was bleeding all the time, feeling tired, spotty & had constant migraines. I totally regretted my choice & decided I needed that thing out of my arm, so I went back in to the clinic to have it removed, leaving me with another big bruise.

My juvenile brain thought once it was out, the weight would fall off me & I'd be back to myself in no time at all. But boy, was I wrong. Biology had other ideas. I was about to endure the most grueling & tiresome phase of my whole life, up to this point. I don't know what it was but no matter what I did, I could not lose the weight, I'd get so far & it would pile back on again, I'd lose a pound one week & gain three the next, it was awful & all to do with this horrid little stick I had shoved in to my arm. Things in school weren’t getting better, but what I never understood was, the "friend" I went with to get this done, she never had an issue with anyone. I think it was because her family were quite a scary bunch & no-one would dare say a word to her, some people did, but not nearly as bad as I got it. It was strange, she did put weight on too but not as much as I did & she didn't bleed, from this I learned that it affects everyone differently. I spoke to her about this & she told me to ignore them, which was much easier said than done. She said that’s why no-one says anything to her because she just ignores everyone & does what she wants to do. It took me so long to put this into practice, I mean years, it took me years. When I finally did, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I didn’t care what people thought of me anymore & I slowly but surely started to lose the weight. I’m not sure if I just needed to wait until my hormones regulated, it more than likely was the case but that time for me was hellish & I don’t recommend anyone having this procedure done at a young ago. Definitely wait until you’re older.

The moral of this story is… just listen to your mumsy!

Mumsy knows best!

Thanks

Redhead xxx