my breastfeeding experience

My breastfeeding experience.

The most beautiful, natural thing in the world.

I have breastfed all of 3 of my children & I'm proud to be able to say that, for me the sleepless nights, swollen breasts, waking up covered in milk & the constant thirst, was all worth it to have that closeness with my babies. Now I know not everyone can do it, nor wants to do it & that's perfectly alright, I'm not one of these mum's who pushes breastfeeding on everyone & doesn't shut up about how good it is for babies. We have enough of that already, I simply believe fed is best! Whether you exclusively breastfeed, combi feed or formula feed, your baby will still grow up just fine. I just want to share my story.

When my let down would happen, I would have a rush of happy hormones, that would make me feel so excited, I was filled with so much love & this can obviously play a part in stopping post partum depression from setting in as well, I remember feeling upset when it came to an end, mostly because I didn't know they were just going to stop. My oldest fed until she was 2 & a half, so I just assumed my other 2 would do the same but they had other ideas. My youngest daughter decided she'd had enough, a little over a year old & my son was only 9 months old, that was the most upsetting. I actually bawled my eyes out for a few days, because he didn't want me anymore & when I was expressing, I was only getting an ounce or 2, so I really didn't see the point in trying to keep going, but looking back, I should have because I could have used it to top up his formula & he could have had the best of both worlds, I'll still spray milk into his cereal & things now, but other than that, he doesn't get much anymore & I've accepted that. He's happier with a bottle & now that he's on solid foods, he's getting everything he needs from that & the formula, so as long as he's happy, I'm happy.

What you're not told about feeding yourself is how full your breasts get overnight, you'll wake up absolutely soaked in milk & how frequently you have to feed your little one, even though it's better for them, sometimes they just can't get enough & half your day is spent with them hanging off you like a leech, stealing your life source. You can't get anything done, the dishes just lie at the side of the sink, the vacuum becomes a place to hang things on. The clothes are left in a pile needing folded & there, they will stay for the foreseeable future. All you've done all day is nurse your baby & that's okay because you are their life, they only know life through you & haven't become a separate being yet, they were all cosy inside our tummies & now all of a sudden, they're out in this cold place where everything is loud & bright. You're their safe place, the only thing they know. You leave the room for 2 minutes to nip for a pee & they can't smell you anymore, they stir & cry out for a cuddle. It also comes down to the fact that we produce more milk at night due to our prolactin levels being higher, so this could be the reason they want to feed all day, or its the fact they don't know night from day yet, whatever the reason, this tiny little human calls for a lot of attention & it can be a tiring experience, especially if you're not eating enough calories. Breastfeeding uses up a lot of metabolic energy, this can lead to vitamin deficiencies & even anaemia. Dehydration can make you feel fatigued so it's always best to have something small to eat & drink beside you, while you are feeding your baby.

Nipple confusion; the thing you're told could happen if you give your baby a bottle too soon, you don't believe it until you're experiencing it first hand. You're told it's because the baby has to use a different suckling technique when feeding from the bottle instead of the breast, but I personally think it's because the baby prefers the bottle over the breast, only because they don't have to work as hard to get their milk. As adults, if there is an easier way to do things, we'll be sure to do it that way. It's more than likely the same for babies. My oldest girl wouldn't latch on until she was 2 weeks old, now that doesn't seem like a long time but when it was happening, it was the longest 2 weeks I've ever experienced in my life. For some reason, she just couldn't stay latched. I tried her at the breast for every feed but she just couldn't get on, so every time with a heavy heart, I would make her the pre expressed bottle from earlier & after she'd been fed, I would then sit up & express again. This was difficult because even through the night, it was never as easy as just going back to sleep once the baby had settled, I needed to stay awake for another 20 minutes or so to express for her next meal, just in case she wasn't able to latch on. It was a daunting time & it was hard but I was determined I was going to feed her myself, so I refused to give up.

When she finally latched properly for the first time, we were at a family gathering, which took place at my white Gran's house (Yes, I had a white gran too) A bit of a back story here. Sadly my white Gran passed away, the day before I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, I was only 18 years old. She played a big part in my life, I helped her out a lot, I was always at her house, making meals, making sure she was taking her medication & tidying up a bit for her, even though there wasn't much to do because she was still very independent & capable of doing all of these things for herself, even at the age of 93 years old. I remember her well & whenever my girls ask about her, I'll tell them what she was like. Her picture has pride of place on my bedroom wall, so whenever I start to forget what she looks like, I look up & there she is. Her home meant a lot to me as this is where christmas dinners were held, so many memories of her & my papa were held within this house. My Papa had built so much in & around it, making it theirs, I saw it as a safe haven. After she passed away, my aunt wanted to sell the house as she didn't stay close by & since my Gran was no longer there, ther was no reason to keep. That was very upsetting for hear, I understood but I was sad that we wouldn't have this house in our lives anymore, every time I drive past the house now, I'm filled with mixed emotions, I smile from the memories made there but also feel the ache in my heart, that I can no longer walk in.

Anyway, my aunt & uncle had come over from Australia for a visit, so my family decided to throw one last party at my white Grans house before it was sold on to a new family, to love it as much as we all did. The barbecue was set up in the back garden, the decking all made to look nice with the fancy tablecloths & dishes on the huge big table that sat out there, where multiple conversations took place, their garden was covered in flowers, all the way up to the back door, sweet peas wrapped around the stairs leading up to the door, huge roses in great big planters at the side of the garden & my Papa's shed where he kept all of his tools had this smell of the creosote used to keep the wood from rotting, such a nostalgic smell. I can almost smell it now, while writing this. Their garden was beautiful & I hoped the next family to move in, would take good care of it. My whole family, brothers, cousins, aunties, uncles on my mums side, all came along for this last event & what a say it was, the sun was shining in the sky, which made it even better. It was just such a relaxing day & I remember talking to my big cousin, who'd had 2 children of her own, she breastfed both of them too. Asking for advice about getting her to latch on & she told me about the different positions, so I tried holding my baby the way she showed me & sure enough, she latched straight away & continued to feed for half an hour. I was amazed & to be honest a bit teary. I had done it, she was latched on & staying on! Every feed after that went amazingly & she proceeded to feed from me for 2 & a half years.

My youngest daughter latched straight away, there was no stopping her, she just loved her milk & would feed for hours, but was so chilled out, it didn't take long for her to fall into a routine at night & allow me a good nights sleep. I had plenty of support through friends & family, she was a little angel & still is. Around 6 months in, there was a lot going on & social workers ended up involved because of a conversation had between myself & my health visitor & because of that conversation, she was advised by her supervisor to report it to social services. Her Dad buggered off & left me in a lurch, the only other person who could potentially understand what was going on, left & I was on my own with 2 children to care for. The stress of it started to take it's toll & a few months later, I was diagnosed with post partum anxiety. It was a long story, so more on that later. I began to notice my baby wasn't wanting to feed from me as often as she once was & would really only feed from me, first thing in the morning & at night time but during the day, she just wasn't interested. She was also being a but more fussy, crying a bit more & not settling as well. By this time she was on solids & I just thought maybe she just preffered her food, because she just loved to eat. But I started googling why she wasn't as interested & why she might be so unsettled & several different reasons came up, including the changes to flavour & chemical compounds in breast milk. In particular cortisol; a stress hormone. I read that when a mother is stressed, these hormones can be passed through the breastmilk, into the baby, which can in turn make then more fussy. Is that was was happening? Was I directly pumping these horrible stress hormones into my child, just by trying to do what's best for her? This made me feel awful. The fact my baby was associating the way she was feeling, with feeding from me was heartbreaking & made the way I was feeling 10 times worse.

I moved back in with my Mum for a while, because I just felt like a horrible Mum & I was struggling. My Mum tried her best to reassure me but the only way to get me out of this terrible downward spiral of guilt, was to do it myself. I started reading books & online articles about "how to manage, stress & anxiety" slowly learning how to turn my negative feelings into something productive, like learning something new or tidying up the house & one day around 6 weeks later, I just felt better & was able to go back to my own house. I continued to feed her until she was just over a year old, she was the one who decided she'd had enough & this time I was fine with it because there was no stress, no bad feelings & it was just her choice, she had taken from me what she needed, it was a bit upsetting but I quickly came to terms with it.

Last but not least, my son, perfect labour, perfect latch, perfect little boy. All was well, he was feeding beautifully, gaining weight, plenty of wet & pooey nappies. There is 7 years between him & my last baby. In the world of midwifery, this is a long time & lots of things had changed. Nowhere near as many midwife & health visitor appointments, I barely saw anyone, medically speaking & when they did come around, they left just as quickly, quite happy with my little baby, he was meeting all of his milestones & absolutely thriving. But just when you think, you know everything there is to know about breastfeeding. They discover more, I learned so many more things this time around such as, feeding on one side for more than one feed, would allow him to get the all of that delicious, nutritious, thick milk at the end of a feed. Kissing our babies allows us to sample their pathogens & provide our babies with the antibodies they need, especially if they're a little under the weather. Our bodies are amazing! It lowers the risk of allergies, diabetes, asthma & obesity. The best one was learning, if I wanted to have an alcoholic drink, I could still do so without any ill effects to my baby, just don't go overboard! This & all the other knowledge I had gained over the years, helped a lot. I feel I was more patient this time around, I knew how to help myself relax & how nursing a baby can be a full time job, not to stress over the small things & just be happy in the understanding that nothing lasts forever, this small amount of time I'll spend feeling tired & wanting a break, worrying if my baby is getting enough milk. It won't last forever, soon all of my children will be grown up & I'll miss these small moments. I've only stopped feeding for a few months now & I already miss it & wish I was back at the beginning again. But I guess I’m at a new stage in my life again. He’ll be walking soon & out exploring new things, completely unaware to how I’m feeling about him not feeding anymore. I’ll miss the closeness & the deep eye contact, the way he would put his hand on my cheek, all lovingly & smile. But as I already said, as long as he’s happy, I’m happy.

I am in no way an expert in breastfeeding consultation but I'll help in whatever way I can. I have helped 2 friends to breastfeed their babies & I am thankful to be able to pass along the information & advice & I'll answer any questions, as best I can.

Thanks

Redhead xx