my red gran

My Red Gran

I called her Red Gran because she had Red hair & in my 4 year old brain, that made complete sense to me. So my whole life she was known as my "Red" Gran, my children even called her that & all of my friends growing up, reffered to her as Red Gran too. I loved her & she was an amazing woman, she helped out at the local church, providing meals for the homeless, in her younger years, she organised & ran festivals in the town, worked in our school as a cleaner to "make sure it was clean & tidy for my grandchildren" she would volunteer to take all of the donated school uniforms home, wash & iron them & hand them back into the school all fresh & ready for the next school year. This helped out so many parents, who couldn't afford to buy a school uniform as the prices of even just a pinafore, were extortionate! She was some woman. Whenever we'd go out together, we'd end up taking a lot longer than expected. A trip for bread would take 2 maybe 3 hours because she knew so many people, every second person, she'd stand & chat to them for a good 10 minutes each, catching up with them, telling them how all the family were doing. Walking away, she'd turn to me & say "that's another cousin from such & such" I would laugh because, it was like she was related to everyone. Our family was huge, my Gran had 6 siblings & they all had families too, so there are a lot of us out there. The great thing about her was, she didn't forget anything, whenever someone told her something, she would remember & always made sure to ask about it the next time she saw the person. But it also meant she remembered everything you said or did & it often came back to bite you on the butt. I didn't know how she did it but she knew so much information about people. The jungle telegraph she called it. Now my Gran had told me about this several times. People in this town knew everyone, no matter where you went, someone knew someone, who knew my Gran, all of the older generations knew each other too. So we were watched growing up & if we stepped out of line, my Gran instantly found out about it. I didn't believe her until I witnessed it for myself, a few times; a terrifying thought, my Gran having eyes & ears everywhere, the things I could get caught doing, but even knowing that information I still did the things I shouldn't have been doing, like all children & teenagers, we just learned how not to get caught.

Fast forward to just a few years ago. When I met my now husband, we met in 2019 at a camping weekend my friends had organised. We fell for eachother straight away & now we've been together for 5 years. I was excited to tell my Gran all about him & in seeing my excitement, she was happy for me but of course gave me the "word of warning" that all grandparents & parents give. She'd seen me go through many heartbreaks in the past, (I didn't have best reputation when it came to picking a partner) & of course didn't want this to be the same. I spent most of my days at her house, helping out, fixing things & eating together, when my girls had their classes, we'd stay for dinner as she lived closer to where those classes were taking place. We were always welcomed with open arms. She'd helped me talk through a lot of things & to be honest, she is probably the reason why I got through all of them, relatively unscathed & I'm still thriving today. Being a single mum was not easy but having her support was a huge help & I'll always appreciate everything she did for us.

The thing is, at the beginning of 2020, just a couple of months into mine & my now husbands relationship, covid struck & we were all forced into isolation, to keep the nation safe. At this point we hadn't been together for very long & we were worried what isolating would mean for our relationship. We decided to take a leap of faith & he moved in with me & my 2 girls to see out the “2 week isolation”. 2 weeks turned into months & we thought we'd never see the end of it. It was difficult for everyone, being stuck indoors all day, every day, only allowed to leave for food shopping or to go a walk, having to wear a mask & not being able to see anyone. So many rules & everyone felt uneasy. I couldn't visit my Gran, my husband was high risk & I had 2 children to think about, my aunt had moved in with my Gran, with her children to keep my Gran company & help out, that was fine. I knew she was being cared for, there was nothing else I could do. We talked through video chat, it wasn't the same but it was better than nothing. Despite all of this happening, for some reason, my Gran blamed my partner for not being able to see me & my children, as if it was his fault & not that of the global pandemic happening right in front of her eyes, she just couldn't comprehend the reason we weren't coming down, was because of covid, it had nothing to do with him. He wasn't being controlling, he didn't try to stop me going down or turn me against her, but she had this all in her head. There was no changing her mind, no matter what I said, she truly believed that I wasn't visiting because of my partner.I was at a loss, I would have been down in a heartbeat, if I could.

Things didn't get better from there. After the restrictions lifted, I would go down, sometimes with the girls, sometimes all of us, including my husband. The times I went with the girls, she spent her time making fun of my husband, when I spoke about all the things I had to do in the house, she'd ask "why can't he do it?" As if it was solely his job, she'd ask why he wasn't down with us, knowing fine well, that she made him feel so uncomfortable, he just didn't want to. The times he was there, she would sit on her high horse & bring up debatable subjects, just to belittle his point of view, even if they both agreed. She tried her very best to cause an argument, maybe to see how he would react, I don't know. She even told my Dad how she felt about him & my Dad questioned me on whether I was safe with him. Every time I would leave my Gran's house, I just felt drained, it was not nice & I'd go home & cry, wondering why she hated this person so much, this person I had chosen to be with, I wanted to spend my life with this man, I loved him. Why couldn't she? It didn't make sense. The only thing I could think to chalk it up to, were her past, failed relationships, none of them were completely her fault, if at all, they were abusive! Did she think my partner was abusive? Of course he wasn't, but is that why? I'll never know the answer to these questions. Unfortunately I decided the best thing would be, not to go there anymore. Not trying to be spiteful, just not willing to put ourselves in a situation to be questioned, over every, little move we made.

Making that break, hurt! It meant that my children wouldn't experience life with her in it properly & they wouldn't have the same relationship as I did with her, it just wasn't fair. But I'm not going to continue to sit there with a fake smile on my face while she completely slates the man I'm going to marry. So we didn't speak often anymore, only at family events. It would be a quick catch up. Followed by some comments about me "punishing her by keeping the girls away" & then we'd go back to our own lives. Near the end of 2021, she became unwell & the doctors were struggling to find out what was wrong & it took them several months & lots of different tests & treatments, she was finally diagnosed in 2022 with lung cancer. I was getting married in August of 2022 & what I didn't know was she had sworn my family to secrecy, so as not to "ruin my wedding day" although she told my aunt the real reason was she apparently wanted me to visit her, because I wanted to, not because she was ill. I found out not long after but she didn’t know I knew. She had undergone treatment already & it looked like she was slowly getting better, but a few weeks later, she went for another scan & they found another mass. She refused further treatment. She had already been through hell with the last round, she just couldn't face anymore. My Dad had told me a few times to go & visit her, because things were not looking good. So I went down with my kids in tow. Not knowing what to expect & preparing myself for the worst & it was the worst. Seeing her lying there looking all small & frail, her face was gaunt & her eyes had huge purple bags under them, she wasn't eating, this made her weak, she looked like skin & bone & could barely speak, this wasn't my Gran. I caught her eye & she looked up, delighted to see me standing there with my girls. Her eyes weren't as bright as they once were, I sat by her bed & my girls climbed up beside her, giving her a big hug, they were crying & quite upset with how she looked, almost as if they knew what was to come.

I had to make a hard choice again, I didn't want my children to see her like this, I wanted them to remember the fun times out in the garden, filling up the plastic toy boxes with warm water & playing in them for hours, riding on the little green & yellow bike, which had been passed down since we were all young, the family gatherings, Sunday dinners & all the good times had throughout the years. I knew she didn't have long left. She couldn't make it to our wedding, but I went down to show her pictures from the wedding, which she loved, she had a huge big grin on her face & she could see how happy we all were, but she was sad to have missed it all, apologising a few times. What do you say in those situations? ”it’s okay, don’t worry about it”? She was sick, of course she couldn’t make it, I didn’t want her to feel bad about that. A few days later, we were preparing for the girls returning to school, after the summer holidays. They returned on Thursday the 18th of August 2022, we were in the town getting the last bits & bobs. By the time we'd finished, the girls were finished school & I didn't want to take them in to my Gran's house again, as they were quite upset the last time, so I didn't want to put them through that again. My husband & I made a plan to go in the next day to see her, while the girls were in school. We went home, let the kids go out to play, made dinner, set out uniforms for the next day & carried on as we normally did. Settled in for the night, watching tv, unable to sleep, it’s 2am on Friday morning, my Dad calls & I instantly knew why he was calling. My hands went cold & I reluctantly answered the phone, in a small quiet voice he said "that's your Gran away…she passed about an hour ago." I said "okay, thanks for letting me know" not knowing what else to say & hung up the phone. I looked at my husband & said "that's it then?" He embraced me while I sobbed uncontrollably in to his shoulder.

I regret not going down to see her still to this day, all the silly bickering & arguing seems irrelevant now. I wish I could have had more time with her & that's something I'll need to live with. I truly wish things were different & if only she could have just accepted my husband, all of this could have been avoided & I would have been able to see her.

This was a hard one to write. I had to stop a few times, to clear my eyes of tears. Its not a nice feeling to have a trusted family member not trust your judement.

Anyone else going through something similar, please feel free to get in contact with me, if you need to talk.

Thank you

Redhead.